SundayTimes Columns

Nissan GT-R: Oh Shrek, squeeze me till it hurts ‘Yes, the GT-R is an ugly son of a bitch, and there are some stupid gimmicks, but this car is a genuine phenomenon’ Are you a serious car enthusiast? I mean, really serious? Do you drive round every corner as fast as the laws of physics will allow? Do you open the taps whenever you can to revel in the intoxicating, mesmerising power of internal combustion? Does G-force tickle your G-spot? Do you talk about torque at parties? Are cars, for you, the light and the life and the meaning of everything? Right. Well why don’t you have a Nissan GT-R, then? The GT-R is not designed to impress other people. There is no hand-stitched leather and no monogrammed luggage. It’s a Nissan, too — a Morphy Richards in a world where Dolce & Gabbana rules. Does it look good? No. Will it turn heads? No. But only because no one’s neck muscles can move that fast. The GT-R is designed to examine carefully the scientific laws that govern movement and then sys...

Ferrari FF: A world first — the Ferrari 4   x   what for? ‘A very special car, with a dollop of practicality and a four-wheel-drive system that may not add much. But it doesn’t take anything away either’ It was a normal Saturday morning and the roads were jammed with DIY enthusiasts on family trips to the local hardware store. This sort of scene is bad news if you’re in a hurry, because the sort of person who erects shelves himself is not going to drive to the shop at more than 4mph and waste the money he’s saved. Saturday morning is now, for me, the worst time on the roads. They’re a cocktail of the mean, the elderly and the frightened. Nobody’s quite sure where they’re going, and no one can concentrate because the kids in the back are explaining sulkily that they’d rather shoot space aliens than traipse around B&Q looking for self-tapping screws. Happily, however, my jaunt to the Midlands last weekend wasn’t so bad because I was driving the new Ferrari FF. And all you do wh...

Audi RS 3: Too tame for the special flair service ‘I know that it’s a limited edition car, but if I were spending £40,000, I’d want it to feel and look and be a lot more special’ God made a bit of a mistake when he was designing women. He made the birth canal so narrow that babies have to be born when they are nowhere near ready for life in the outside world. A newborn horse can run about and feed itself five seconds after emerging from the back of its mum. And it’s the same story with dogs. My labrador gave birth to a litter of nine puppies while asleep, firing them out like a Thai hooker fires ping pong balls. And within moments they were up and about, being doggish. A human baby, though, is not capable of anything. For week after interminable week, it can’t sit up, crawl, speak or operate even rudimentary electronic equipment and sees absolutely nothing wrong with sitting in a puddle of its own excrement. Babies are useless. Stupid, mewling, puking noise trumpets that ruin life...

Mazda CX-7: An asthmatic accountant in lumberjack clothing ‘Crossover cars are for fools — I’d rather be friends publicly with Piers Morgan than friends with someone who has a crossover car’ The trouble is that crossover cars do look quite good, in a Tonka toy sort of way. And just about the best-looking of all of them is the four-wheel-drive Mazda CX-7 How you feel when you arrive somewhere in a car is more important than how you feel on the way. On the way, a car is just a tool, but when you get to your destination, and your hosts are waiting for you, and people you know are looking, that’s when the true value of your wheels shines through. I went to a party the other night, and when I arrived, there were 12 Range Rovers already parked in the drive. Mine made it 13. This made me feel gooey and part of a club: like I’d read the social circles in which I move well and that I was keeping up. The drive to the party had been normal — a row about why it had taken my wife so long to get...

Mercedes CLS 63 AMG: Oh miss, you turn me into a raging despot ‘I’d go so far as to call the Mercedes CLS driving experience imperious. You feel a bit like Idi Amin. Or was that just me?’ Electronically, the Mercedes CLS has taken a couple of steps forwards and about five in the other direction. It’s the same story with the shape. From the front the new one is even better than the original, but, as with other new Mercs, there’s a styling detail over the rear wheelarch that simply doesn’t work at all I wonder if we realise just how fast the age of electronic communication is taking over our lives, and shaping them and ruining them. Unless you are a slipper and sherry enthusiast, you will be aware of a computer game called Call of Duty. The idea is simple. You run about shooting people in the face with a selection of large weapons. And then, if you believe the nonsense, you go out for a pizza and are overwhelmed by a sudden need to stamp on a tramp. Of course, you can play by yourse...

Test Bench: Dual-core smartphones The latest Android mobiles run faster than the iPhone, but what else do they offer? David Phelan fires up five Samsung Galaxy S II, Motorola Atrix, HTC Sensation, HTC Evo 3D and LG Optimus 3D (STO) Samsung Galaxy S II Like all phones on test except the Motorola, the Galaxy S II has a 4.3in screen, but it is the lightest handset here by far. The use of lightweight materials means it feels a little plasticky, though. Samsung’s Android overlay is adequate if unexciting, with four hubs — music, games, ebooks and social networking. The phone ties with the HTC Sensation as the fastest we tested, quickly launching apps and displaying web pages — even ones with Flash video on them. Like the Sensation, it has an 8Mp camera that takes effective still shots and good-quality HD video. The screen gleams, thanks to a vivid, colour-rich display. Battery life also deserves a mention — even with heavy use, the phone managed a full day between recharges. Price: £475 ...

Honda Accord Type S: I thought it looked humdrum. But wow! 'This car may be brown and as interesting to look at as the periodic table, but it goes like a scalded cock' Honda Accord Type S "There’s a sensation of quality on the inside. This is a car that doesn’t feel assembled. It feels as though it’s been hewn from one solid block of steel. It’s a Barbour jacket. It’s a Scottish mountain" Don’t you think it’s strange? You buy a BMW one day and you are told that it is the ultimate driving machine, that it is all about balance and grip and immediacy. Whereas the very next day you are told that exactly the same car is all about joy. It was designed and built to be happy and to make you happy as a result. Welcome to the world of advertising. Volkswagen’s advertising agency told us for years that its cars were very reliable. But then the agency decided that actually you don’t buy a VW because it’s well made; you buy one because it’s cheap. Right? So. Has there been a ...

Test bench: Waterproof cameras – Ok, big shot, let’s see you swim The manufacturers say these cameras are waterproof and shockproof and still able to take great photographs. We nip off to fetch a sledgehammer Panasonic Lumix DMC-FT3 Does your toddler like a bit of experimental photography at bath time? Or are you a keen snorkeller? Then you’ll need a camera that operates underwater. Many claim to be waterproof and shockproof, but how do they perform in reality? We put five leading models to the test (see panel, right). This included the cameras being dropped 15ft onto sand, frozen in ice and taken into a swimming pool to shoot underwater. Top of the class was this Panasonic, which shrugged off the challenges to produce superb results both above and below the waterline. The controls are simple and its images were balanced and sharp, as was video footage. This shows the fallacy of going for maximum megapixels when you buy a camera, as the Lumix’s 12.1Mp sensor had the fewest in t...

Have you actually stopped for a moment and looked — really looked — at the new BMW 5-series estate? All things considered, I would say that this is one of the most handsome cars ever made. It has all the BMW hallmarks: the body seems to have been stretched to the limits simply to cover the wheels, and there’s the traditional Hofmeister lean-forward kink in the rear pillar. It’s a tiny design detail that makes the car look as though it’s going a thousand miles an hour even when it’s in a golf club car park. And yet the car doesn’t look old-fashioned. There’s something about the shape of the bonnet that makes it looks as though it may be visiting us from the future. It’s the same story on the inside. All cars of this type, if we’re honest, feel and look pretty much the same from behind the wheel. But not the Beemer. It’s all very minimalist and unusual. As if you’ve accidentally plonked yourself down in a Bang & Olufsen catalogue. And the 5-series estate is not alone. The new(ish) Z4...

I'll be posting columns ripped from thesundaytimes.co.uk for your reading pleasure[lol]